Diagon Alley. The marketplace for wizard folk from all around Britain. The alley offered shops for the small family looking for ice cream to the immensely wealthy searching for the softest silks and finest fabrics.
Even standing at the entrance, and being as short as I was, you would quite clearly see the elongated skyscraper of Aurum and Crystallini. The building held some of the most expensive and bedazzled robes and clothes that would make even the scruffiest of travelers look rich enough to buy a country. All 25 floors shined with wealth. It was almost a dream. A place so clean and polished, so bright and sparkly. The whole building looked and felt like one gargantuan diamond. Even from the outside.
The glassy marble made up most of the circular building’s exterior. Embellishing the walls were circular rings of gold, showcasing the new arrivals. The hoops were enchanted, enchanted to float and spin softly so anyone from any angle would be in awe.
As I walked closer I saw where the sprawling waterfall fell. It’s iridescent colours illustrating the name of the shop, but also serving as the ‘entrance’. At ground floor two intimidating mannequins stood, holding just as menacing spears. The Guards.
Aurum and Crystallini by design was meant only for the 1%, and The Guards enforced that. Both mannequins were bewitched to prevent “any poor looking person or persons” from entering.
I walked closer the waterfall split. I was worthy. I would be an embarrassment if I hadn’t been allowed to enter. And then there was the matter of the guards, and their very pointy spears. I’ve heard stories about them, and they do not sound very friendly.
As I crossed onto the premises an overwhelming smell of lavender greeted me; the signature scent. I also heard over the soft footsteps the faint sound of classical piano and violin. I craned my neck to see the small pillar in the middle was actually a towering spire of glass. Almost a smaller tower in its own right, the spire composed of a glass spike in the middle, with floors impaled onto in, each with their own enchanted mannequins.
Around the bottom of the spike was a circular cat walk, that curled around like a serpent. Decorative models sashayed along the walk, only with a little snootiness about them. Opposite from the entrance lay the crystal elevator. I thought about the view I would have if I rode it, I’d be able to see almost everything through the nearly invisible glass.
The checkout clerks stood behind shiny marble benches with drawers behind them filled to the brim with knuts, sickles, and galleons. Their skin was ghastly pale, and their hair, while slicked back, had flakes of gold in it. They wore only plain white clothes with aprons, but the gold accents made it look so much more. The clerks were strangely beautiful, but at the same time, not quite human.
The was the essence of the store. So shiny, and sparkly, and perfect that it couldn’t be real. The dream of Aurum and Crystallini, and it was an honor to be apart of it.
Hi Abby,
You have some really beautiful description. Here are a few bits of feedback for you to look at.
Be careful about changing tense. You write most of your piece in past tense but switch to present tense on occasion. You need to keeping your tense consistent.
You are also repeating certain words frequently. Try to find those times when you are using unnecessary words or are not adding any new detail, this will help you enhance you writing.
Towards the end of your piece, you begin to repeat sentence starters as well. This creates a list-like feel. Try switching them up to create greater impact.
There are times where your story doesn’t flow well. Read your work out loud to help identify those moments.
Good work, keep at it!
Mr Johnson
Hi Abby,
Read your work out loud. There are times where the words you have chosen do not fit with the context you have written.
Be careful of your sentence starters. There is some repetition happening.
Double check your spelling, grammar and punctuation. Reading aloud will help with this.
Mr Johnson